So.... five years later and it’s still pretty shit.

I’m surviving but not really “thriving”.

Still love my child, hate autism.  Been diagnosed as high functioning myself, so now I have all the guilt that goes with probably passing on defective genetics.

Still single, because it costs a bomb to pay for a special needs sitter, and nobody wants to become a stepdad to autism.

I work in a white collar professional career, but can’t really specialise in the area I want to because not only single mother but, autism.

Tried mainstream school - didn’t work out for him so now he’s in a special school.

It’s better though.... there’s some speech, and that “why” stage did eventually arrive.  Hated it and loved it all at once.

Warts And All

Autism is awful.  Any parent that tells you autism makes their life wonderful is a fucking liar.

Granted, autism makes my child what he is.  And I adore him.  But autism is damned hard work and anyone who says otherwise is either a shameless self promoter for "parent of the year" or high on drugs.  Possibly both.  Or maybe having a psychotic episode.

Parenting a child with autism is supposed to be "rewarding".  Well, two years after diagnosis and I am still waiting for some rewards.  About the only benefit to a diagnosis, apart from the funding to pay for some therapy, is being able to say to myself "no, his behaviour is not just because you are a shit parent, it's also because he sees the world differently".  You still think 90% of the problem is your shit parenting though.

Worse than being a parent of an autistic child is being a single parent of an autistic child.  There's nobody to pat you comfortingly on the back when you have had a bad day, nobody to take the little monster out for a walk so you can have a bath and a bottle of wine and remember all the things you love about your child, and worst of all nobody to stop you yelling at that child in frustration because it's so bloody hard and you've functioned at maximum stress all week long.  All month long.... all fucking year long. But everybody has a "simple solution" for your problems, always has the answer and can tell you how THEY would do it better. And how you are failing because OMG you YELLED at your child who can't understand.  Hey, he's not stupid and he knows certain behaviour is not permitted, just because he is autistic doesn't mean he also doesn't do typical naughty testing the boundaries of behaviour too.  He understands some things. 

You can't complain or just vent to the people who should be supporting you.  Oh no, because they always tell you how much worse someone else has it, so you should stop complaining.  Newsflash - not helpful, just make me feel guilty because I can't cope with what you think is a relatively minor problem.

So yes, there are days when I absolutely hate autism, and even moments when I almost hate my child. I always wanted to be a parent - but five years later, the experience of being a parent has not even come close to the ideal I held at that time of his birth. And it's a major disappointment.  I can't even have a conversation with my child about what he has seen or done.  The "why" phase, which I had dreaded, never came and I positively ache for it.  

And then there are the "autism warriors".  Some of them, of course, have "cures" or "causes".  There's no cure for autism, and the causes aren't simple.  The next person who tells me autism is a vaccine injury may possibly require wiring of a broken jaw.  Stupid people who think a few hours of "Googling" gives them inside knowledge on some vast conspiracy about vaccines are probably the ones I hate the most.

So yes - thats me.  Warts and all.  I'm not perfect, and I am not gunning for mother of the year.